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Courtesy of Have I Got News For You

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Snow White , kisses all the seven dwarves on their foreheads and sees them all off for a days work down the mine .

After a couple of hours she looks out of the cottage window to see a real hullabaloo going on .

She shouts to a passer  by "whatever is all this commotion ?

The passer by says "Mistress , you'd better come quickly there's been a cave in at the mine".

When she gets there she sees a large hole has appeared and is urged to shout down it to check for signs of life .

"Hello there ! Are you Ok?".

She hears a feint voice in answer.

"Jose Mourinho will lead United to the Premier League title " 

"Thank God , Dopey's alive".

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England unveil new kit for World Cup in Russia

 

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36 minutes ago, Bob Singleton said:

England unveil new kit for World Cup in Russia
...

I think you'll find that is the very local derby between Porton Down and Salisbury at their shared ground.

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Sea foot   

I've just heard that neon exit signs are on the way out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get me coat.🤐

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https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/03/10/vladimir-putin-wins-great-russian-bake-off-after-other-contestants-fall-ill/

 

Vladimir Putin has won the Russian version of Celebrity Great British Bake-off after all the other contestants sadly died in tragic but mysterious circumstances.

Mr Putin started competing in the latest series in January this year. Over the course of the show he has baked sweet buns, four-corner kulebiaka, king vatrushka and liver pirozhki.

Last week’s final brought a close to a tumultuous series.

In week 4 Mr Putin was told he was in the drop zone by head judge and famed baker of black bread, Paul Khabarovsk.

Week 5 saw the unprecedented introduction of a a new judging panel following the deaths of the old panel in a freak accident when they were mistakenly locked in the back of a van with a hungry bear.

The final began with contestants baking kulebiakas arkhangelsk style. However, the round was cut short after contestant and bookies favourite Anna Tefi accidentally cut her hands off whilst making a meringue base for her pavlova.

The show stopper saw contestants baking sauerkraut pie. The round had just got underway when the remaining finalist, Konstantin Konstantan, accidentally shut his head in the gas oven whilst trying to turn it on.

This left Mr Putin to be crowned champion, an honour he graciously accepted by stripping to the waist and beating his chest.

One Kremlin watcher told us, “Celebrity Great Russian Bake Off is one of the most watched shows in Russia. Mr Putin was obviously trying to broaden his appeal to a key voter demographic.”

Mr Putin is expected to appear on Stictly Come Cossack Dancing this winter.

 

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A pirate has stopped his pirating and mended his ways, but his parrot was just too bad, constantly swearing and refusing to behave.

Finally the ex-pirate had enough of it.

When the parrot started swearing again, he stuck it in the freezer for five minutes.

When he fished it out again, the bird was very humble and said: “I promise I’ll be good now, John, no swearing! Just a question – what on Earth did the turkey do?”

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